I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
