I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We have started to decorate penises.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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