sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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