My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
