Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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