He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
