whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
