I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
