my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
