9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
