I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
