There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
