she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
