It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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