I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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