**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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