Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
