I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
