Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
