Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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