My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
