Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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