i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
