At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
where are you?
Hypothermia
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
