we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
