I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
did i walk over a car last night?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
