How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
