$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
