This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
