I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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