It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
