i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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