i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
