I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he fucked my hip out of place.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
