I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
