I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
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you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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