Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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