Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
