somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
