I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
