I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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