Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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