dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
