one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
