Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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