I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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