I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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