I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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