Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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