My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
