the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
