i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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